Is Labelling Yourself a “Saver” or “Spender” Hurting Your Relationship? Rotimi Merriman-Johnson & Laura Ann-Moore Explain

This transcript is auto-generated and lightly edited for readability, it may contain errors.

[0:13] Sammie Ellard-King:

24%.

[0:18] Sammie Ellard-King:

How do you get your partner aligned with you when one is a saver and he is a spender?

[0:25] Laura Ann-Moore:

Can I jump straight in? I have so many things to say on this.

[0:29] Sammie Ellard-King:

Okay.

[0:30] Laura Ann-Moore:

I think that, first of all, as humans, we love to label ourselves as like saver, spender, whatever it is. Sometimes it can be helpful and sometimes it can be really hindering. And I think there’s nothing wrong with being in a relationship with someone who has different habits and behaviours and attitudes towards money than you. Especially if you’re already in like an established relationship. And, you know, this is why it’s so important to talk about money right at the start, because you can have these questions and understand like how each other views money. But I think it’s less about both being a saver or both being a spender and more about having the same values and goals when it comes to your money. Totally. And it’s like she, if if Hannah is a saver and her partner is a spender, um, first of all, there’s like I’m a big believer that spending is just as important as saving in its own way. It’s not that one is better than the other. We don’t want the extremes. But it’s better to have a conversation around what are your shared financial goals. So if you are saving to go on holiday, you’re saving for a house, you’re saving to have a family, whatever it is, and you have a shared goal, then there’s a bit more buy-in, emotional buy-in from the partner to shift behaviours to start saving more. Um, but if you don’t know what you’re both working towards, the partner spending his money is still his money and you can do what you want. But it depends how your finances are like uh joint, because everybody does it differently. But I think it’s really important as a starting point to more talk about shared values, shared goals, and understand it’s okay to have different attitudes towards money as long as you’re at least going in the same direction. Um so yeah, less about getting him to be a saver and more about how can we work towards a common goal where he’s saving, but he can still spend how he wants, without my judgment on it.

[2:17] Sammie Ellard-King:

So do you think it’s like, you know, spend on the things that you want to spend on and let’s work towards together goals that are connected and we both save towards those?

[2:27] Laura Ann-Moore:

Yeah, I think so. If if Hannah and her partner have completely separate finances, like it really depends. Do they live together? Are they married? Are they like because everyone is so different. If you’re three months into a relationship or you’re 10 years in and you share a house and a family, very different. Um, but let’s just say they’re separate and you know, Hannah’s got her money, her partner’s got his money, and you set a common goal. We’re both working toward this. You’re gonna put away X, or we’re both gonna put away, I don’t know, £100 each towards this girl for however long. Really, it’s down to a partner to then the partner to do what he wants with the rest of his money. Like I’m a big believer that you can’t control someone’s choices. He might be looking at her going, I wish you’d spend more. How do I get my partner to spend more? So that’s where the open conversation part is. But I think it’s easier if you have a shared goal that you’re working towards so that you can both get excited about it. And then, you know, maybe you could set up an automated saving plan. Maybe you could um sit down and do your budget together. Like it allows you to kind of come together and connect over money instead of it being something that’s like, oh, he does this, she does this. Yeah. It’s more open and valuable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. That’s what I would say.

[3:34] Rotimi Merriman-Johnson:

To me. Yeah, that’s a great, great um explanation. I think the only build I’d make on that is once you’ve aligned on what your goals are, then you just do the classic saving stuff. So on or or just after payday, you you save. So rather than waiting until the end of the month and then and then saving what’s left, save as early as you can, prioritize it, save into a separate savings account. It’s up to them if they want to do a joint account together, but you can have a a pot or just a separate bank account so that money’s um gone um out of the way and you’re less likely to dip into it. And then I would say finally to to automate it, as as Laura has said, because if you’re a spender, um I I think there’s nothing wrong with that. I think as long as you’re spending money in a way that you you definitely uh need or want, so like you’re using the stuff, you’re enjoying the stuff, I actually think that that’s great, and that’s why we work so hard for our money. Um but you wanna you want to automate your savings so that you’re you’re reducing the friction um to to saving and and then you can spend the rest. Saving is is really just not spending one hundred percent of your money. Because if you spend one hundred percent of your money a hundred percent of the time, um you are beholden to the person who who’s paying you and you’re gonna have to go back to them each time. Whereas if you can spend 90% of your money, 80% of your money, then you put yourself in a much better position financially.

[5:01] Sammie Ellard-King:

Such a great point, man. Like I know I’m a spender and I just know that about me. So like having those things pre-prepped at the start of the month allows me to be completely a spender and then like tap into my spending habits.

[5:16] Laura Ann-Moore:

Yeah, but that’s interesting, right? Because you call yourself a spender and yet you still save and invest. Yeah. 100%. There are still those things attached to your identity that you are still doing. Yeah. So the way that we label ourselves around being a spender, you’ve got the extreme of I’m a spender, I spend everything, I even overspend and go into debt. And then you have, I see myself as a spender because that’s my natural go-to, but I still do all of these other things. I still save and I still invest. And I think when you are in a relationship, it’s really important to like have no judgment because then Hannah can share a lot of the tips that she has around saving that are really helping her with her partner without it being something that makes him go, all right, bring it in.

[5:57] Rotimi Merriman-Johnson:

Yeah. And uh another thing that I’ve learned about relationships is that um and unlike the changing people point, I think I read an article on the art of manliness of all of all websites about appreciating your partner. And and it says that we often try to treat our partners like um they’re a buffet. Like we want to pick and choose the um characteristics that we like about them and and not like the other ones. And and the example that it gave is that if you’re with someone who is like disorganised and late all the time, it’s probably because they’re quite creative and quite spontaneous. Which is the same thing. And it’s all of those things. So you might be there like, oh, my partner’s like a a spender. But they could also attach to that could be the fact that they’re really generous or have a really fun attitude towards life. So it’s not the financial point, but it’s just like appreciate the fact that this aspect of their personality is part of who they are as a person.

[6:54] Sammie Ellard-King:

Yeah, and it may be the reason like you fell in love with them in the first place because of those characteristics. Yeah. But it just so happens that when you combine your finances or there’s things in the different season of the relationships, that those spender traits have become more apparent to you, perhaps.

[7:08] Rotimi Merriman-Johnson:

But just set up the standing order as well. So make it easy for yourself. Basically, same result.

[7:12] Laura Ann-Moore:

Make it easy. Roll me on that.

[7:18] Rotimi Merriman-Johnson:

I love how we started off Yorkshire and ended Cockney.

[7:20] Sammie Ellard-King:

Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.

[7:22] Laura Ann-Moore:

She’s international.

[7:23] Sammie Ellard-King:

Jack podcast producer Jack will be testament to my uh garage MCs when no one’s around. Um just I just literally pull it out of nowhere. Okay. Uh oh, the days of the past. Um to follow on from this really nice sort of added question, really, as well. Kind of another couple here. Martin Walker wrote in uh talking about I’ve been trying to get my partner into investing. She has a very live for today and not for the future mindset. How do I get her to change this mentality? Again, a change in mentality, as I feel like later in life it’s all going to be on me. Laura?

[7:59] Laura Ann-Moore:

Yeah, I think it’s interesting because what he’s saying, you know, later in life it’s all gonna be on me. That’s kind of it’s an emotional thing, right? He’s probably thinking, oh, this is quite a lot that I’m gonna have to deal with. And the light the load could be lightened if me and my partner are doing it together. So both emotionally and financially it makes sense for her to start considering it. But what I will say as a female is when what’s his name? Martin.

[8:26] Sammie Ellard-King:

Martin Walker, yeah.

[8:27] Laura Ann-Moore:

Martin. Martin obviously has an understanding, a knowledge, and a confidence around investing that allows him to understand why he’s doing it, what he’s doing it for, how much he can put away, etc. And women in general have been left out of that conversation of investing. So I think there’s like, first of all, just the education piece around why, why? Because right now, his partner’s very like, live for the moment, enjoy your money, which there’ll be a reason why she’s like that, like we just kind of said a minute ago about you know all your own experiences and and whatnot. But when you show someone or give someone the awareness and the understanding around why we invest and why we plan for the future, sometimes the habits and behaviours will start to shift naturally. But then there also needs to be the confidence piece around her feeling confident enough to invest, understanding her own risk profiles. There’s so many things involved. But if he comes at it from an attitude of like, I’m investing, you’re not, it’s all gonna be on me later in life, you’re just spending your money now, it’s gonna be like, oh, buddy. Defense mechanisms come up.

[9:27] Sammie Ellard-King:

Yeah, it’s gonna be like the opposite.

[9:29] Laura Ann-Moore:

Yeah, and I think sometimes, unless you’re a financial educator like us, where we know that we are we repeat the basics a lot, we share things that we know really a lot of detail about, and we have to learn how to get it across in a point where it’s really easy to understand. Yeah. If that’s not your job.

[9:44] Sammie Ellard-King:

Over and over. Yeah.

[9:45] Laura Ann-Moore:

Yeah, and if it’s not your job, it’s it can be it’s a skill. Yeah. So I think, you know, very good point, actually. And and and if he’s coming at it from a point where he’s using all the language around investing, throwing out compound interests and index funds. I know when I first learned about it, I was like, Yeah, what are you talking about, man?

[9:59] Sammie Ellard-King:

I just want to enjoy my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:01] Laura Ann-Moore:

And you’ll switch off. So um if if he’s if Martin’s not up for the job and he’s like, you know, you can pass it over to somebody who is an expert in that area around social media, books, podcasts, where she can start to learn for herself. Because it’s all what you know, he can ignite the fire, but he doesn’t need to keep it alight.

[10:18] Sammie Ellard-King:

Totally. Um and people like to learn from different types of people as well that may actually like they want perhaps just to keep the relationship intimate, right? And rather than I don’t want you preaching to me, but I’m happy to go and learn from Laura or Timmy or myself or whoever, right?

[10:33] Laura Ann-Moore:

And it’s it is that classic thing of when you learn, how many times have we all heard something from someone that we love, like a piece of advice? Yeah. Then you hear it on a podcast in a book from your favourite creator, and you’re like, that’s a banging bit of info. And then your friend or your partner is like, Oh, I have been saying this to you for years. And you’re like, You’re like, have you? Well, they said it differently. But it’s because sometimes with the people that we’re closest to and the people that we love, we don’t always want to take advice from them, or we hear it differently, or whatever it is. Totally. So it’s uh the education piece doesn’t necessarily need to come from him. It can he can lead her in the right direction, but just maybe show you know, showing love by showing sharing resources, and then she can start there on her own.